Have you heard of emotional labour? At its most boiled-down, emotional labour refers to the effort involved with suppressing emotions. An example of this would be pasting a smile on your face and pretending to be happy all day regardless of how you’re really feeling be it tired, sick, bored, frustrated, annoyed, or otherwise upset.
More recently, the term emotional labour has evolved to include the concept of “life administration and planning,” including tasks such as:
· Meal planning and grocery shopping
· Trip preparation and packing
· Itinerary creation
· Coordination of various activities and program attendance (hockey, dance, tutoring, etc.)
· Transportation and logistics
· Budgeting
· Managing social calendars
· Initiating and planning social and family gatherings
· Remembering and recognizing birthdays and other holidays
· Providing appointment, due date, deadline, and chore reminders
· Asking or otherwise prompting others to complete or help with household tasks
Traditionally, women take the brunt of emotional labour tasks. As a result, many women are tired, fed-up, or close to breaking. The result of taking on too much or all of the emotional labour in a relationship or family is burnout, which can have a drastic negative impact on mental health and wellbeing.
Lighten the Load
Changing how emotional labour is split in your household isn’t as simple as asking your partner to dust or clean the bathroom. In fact, the act of having to ask or bear the responsibility of delegation is in itself, emotional labour. To break the cycle of being the one who looks after all of the emotional labour in a relationship, you must be willing to also relinquish control and put trust in your partner.
I used to find it exhausting to be the one who planned every outing, down to every minute detail. And yet, I didn’t want anyone else to do it! When it became apparent that emotional labour was taking a massive toll on my mental wellbeing, I realized that if I wanted to lighten the emotional burden, I too needed to trust that my partner could handle the tasks associated with emotional labour just as well.
Letting Go
To relieve yourself of the extreme burden and exhaustion of being the only family member responsible for emotional labour, you must learn to communicate, trust, and let go. Easier said than done. Be gentle with yourself as you learn to share the emotional labour with others.
Communicate
I’ve heard it said numerous times that if you want “help around the house,” you need to ask for it. False. Having to identify a task that needs completing and then request that someone else do it actually creates more emotional labour. Asking for help isn’t what I mean when I say you must learn to communicate. The communication needs to be deeper; an expression of how you’re feeling and what you need.
For example, instead of saying something simple like, “Can you please sweep? The floor is really dirty,” try saying something that’s based on your feelings and includes what you need, such as “I am feeling tired from having to always be the one who notices the kitchen is dirty, and then having to ask someone to clean it or remind others to clean up after themselves. Moving forward, could you help me by making sure if you notice a mess, it’s cleaned up, please?”
I expressed once to my husband that I was just exhausted and on the brink of burnout from having to be the one who plans every family gathering. I shared with him that although I enjoy being in charge of the planning, I was willing to go along with what he planned even if it wasn’t what I would have done, as long as he took 100% ownership of the plan. It’s worked out really well for us. I do still plan some gatherings and events, but I no longer plan all of them.
Trust
When I asked my husband to take over some of the emotional labour, I had to put full faith and trust in him. Asking someone to look after something and then attempting to micromanage their attempt is counter-productive and creates even more emotional labour. Trust in the process and recognize that although it may not be the way you’d do it, it will get done.
An example of this from my own life is food shopping. I used to own the entire process and committed a lot of emotional labour to it. The reason? Because there were a few items that I wanted to ensure were purchased each week. I don’t even do the cooking, and realistically wasn’t the best one to know what we needed. And yet, I held fast to that emotional labour.
I realized how silly all of this was, and yet, I still wanted a guarantee that I would get the items I required each week. So, I decided to trust my partner with this piece of emotional labour. It made more sense this way. All it took was simple communication about items I would like purchased and then trust in the rest of the process. I’ve never looked back.
Let Go
I used to remind my family members of everything: when to shower, brush teeth, what was happening at school the next day, and when they had a haircut booked. I’d remind my teen to lock up his bike at night, my youngest to put his toys away or risk having them taken away, and my husband of all upcoming appointments, events, and outings.
When I found myself exhausted, burnt out, and on the verge of a breakdown (for doing everybody’s thinking for them, is what I used to say!) I decided then and there that I would let go where I could.
If my teen forgets his presentation at home, he will learn to bring it next time.
If my child has to feel the upset of losing a privilege because he didn’t tidy up, he will learn to tidy up next time.
If an appointment is missed, it will need to be rebooked.
And so on.
Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring. I will never stop reminding my children or partner that I love them, and I would never let my kids miss important milestones or appointments. What it means is that I refuse to own their emotional labour any longer. I will not think for them, but I will support them, advise, them, guide them, and coach them every opportunity I get. I do this because I have my own emotional labour to tend to, and I recognize that to manage my emotions and continue to try to be the best I can be for my family, it is necessary to communicate, trust, and let go.
